Yoo-hoo! It’s Robert C. Ophidascaris, the parasite living in various Australian editors’ brains, a happy camper in your hippocampus. I really appreciate Crikey’s interest in what I do. Most of my work is behind the scenes, and a lot of the time no-one listens to me, insisting on putting together journalism and analysis. Sometimes, they can really ganglia up on me. And when they do use one of my brilliant ideas, like commissioning an opinion piece from the prime minister’s dog, I don’t even get credited! Why, it’s enough to give someone thyroid rage!

Yes, it’s true, I’m obsessed with dogs! You might say I need a lodogomy! Haha no but seriously I’m more than just the nightmarish worm whose occasional writhing ensures that Toto Albanese and Buddy Morrison take up cutesy humanising space in widely read newspapers that could otherwise be filled with information that holds the powerful to account. I have many other achievements.

For example, how do you think The Mocker keeps getting published? Because of its valuable insights? Man, that guy has me endocrine with laughter! All those stories about how a young person could afford their first house, which invariably lists cost cutting like giving up on brunch and borrowing several hundred thousand dollars from their parents? That’s my work. But I think I’m most proud of the “school kids identifying as cats” story that I fever-dreamed into existence.

Hanging out in that poisonous river when I was younger, I never imagined I’d end up in the media. But you’d be amazed how many senior people in Australia’s media come to have a big old glug, and for that, I’m very grateful.

Next week, we’ll hear from my life partner, Tania Solium. She’s not just a brain worm, she’s also a book worm! (She helps get books pulled from shops).